You Are Never Too Old To Get Married the Way you Want
Categories: | Inclusive Weddings | Wedding Ceremony | Wedding Planning
Have
enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time - Maya Angelou
Love is lovelier the second
time around - Sammy Cahn
The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable - Henry Ward Beecher
The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable - Henry Ward Beecher
There is no shortage of maxims, quotes, and songs about second-chance love. But how do you, as a mature age couple, negotiate the whole process of wedding planning when most of the marketing, information, and focus out in wedding land is on younger couples wanting the fairy-tale wedding experience? And how do you deal with advice aimed at older couples? Advice that is pretty old-fashioned and focused on telling you what you shouldn't do, with a bit of advice about estate planning thrown in?
A significant proportion of the couples whose marriages I solemnise* are mature people who are taking a second chance at love. So, whether you are 18 or 80, whether you're marrying your first love or your last love, I will give you the same advice.
Ignore what you read. It's
your wedding.
There are so many wonderful ways to make your ceremony yours.
Let's work through them, together.
There are so many wonderful ways to make your ceremony yours.
Let's work through them, together.
I definitely will never even
think "age-appropriate " when
discussing your wedding! I'm also not a fan of
the terms "second marriage" or. "remarriage"
(unless you are re-marrying one another after
divorcing). You are getting married.
No need for qualifiers.
1. Forget about the
time-honoured "rules" of etiquette for older
brides
out
For some reason, advice about
being age-appropriate is always aimed at the
bride. You've been dressing yourself for years.
You know what suits you. You don't need to be told
what colours to wear, and what colours not to
wear. You don't need to be told that there are
rules for the young. Send anyone who even hints at
"mutton dressed as lamb" straight to the
naughty corner.
2. Forget about the
"rules" for a traditional wedding
out
I have spent my whole career as a
marriage celebrant explaining to couples that it
is fine to ignore many of the so-called
"rules" for traditional weddings because they
- are inherited from Queen Victoria (who was
20 and the Monarch) and/or from church
weddings
- perpetuate a view of the bride as subordinate to the groom
- assume that the celebrant does all the
talking
It doesn't have to be that way. And
that's one of the advantages of being a mature age
couple. You have the confidence to tear up the
rule book when it doesn't fit well with who you
are and how your relationship works. So ditch any
notion of one or other of you being given away.
Walk down the aisle together. Or just be there,
greeting your guests, and when the time comes,
make your way to the front where I'll be waiting
for you.
3. Include
who you want to in your ceremony
out
There are no rules any more about
having a matchy-matchy wedding party, or having
one at all. Forget about gender and age. Have the
people who mean most to you stand up with you or
participate in the ceremony in various ways. Want
to include all of your 18 grandchildren? Of course
you can.
4.
Acknowledge your ex if you feel comfortable with
that
out
Of course you can include your
ex. Where you are sharing parenting, and your new
partner is also involved, acknowledging that adds
something immeasurably warm to the ceremony. Where
your previous partner has died we can make mention
of them if you wish.
5. Size and
theme your wedding to suit yourselves
out
Don't feel obligated to have a
big wedding if you really just want to elope or
have a micro-wedding. And don't feel that you
should have a small, low-key affair. If you want
to have a large, lavish wedding go for it. If
you're not into partying into the wee hours,
don't. Schedule your wedding for earlier in the
day. Everyone enjoys a lavish breakfast or a nice
lunch. Catering sorted! Do you share a interest,
or support a cause. You can highlight those in
various ways in your ceremony and celebration.
6. Avoid
flash backs
out
One of the things I'll discuss
with you will be what your previous wedding
ceremonies were like. And we'll work to make sure
that this one is new and fresh to avoid flashbacks
on the day.
7.
Acknowledge what you value in your mature-age
relationship
out
There is scientific evidence that
what older couples value in a relationship differs
from what younger couples are looking for in a
relationship. With age comes wisdom. And the
top-five elements of successful romantic
relationship for older adults are honesty,
communication, companionship, respect, and a
positive attitude. I'll talk to you about what you
value, and we'll make sure that those values are
expressed and celebrated in your ceremony.
8. Negotiate
and write your own vows
out
You both will have to say the
legal vows because it is those important words
that create your marriage. I will encourage you to
write your own personal promises, but will beg you
to avoid recycling someone else's promises. You've
negotiated your relationship. It makes sense to
negotiated the promises you're going to live by as
a married couple. I'll coach you in using my
super-easy fail-safe method.
9. Choose
an older celebrant
9. Choose
an older celebrant
out
There is a sad and ageist climate out there in
celebrant land. Younger, less-experienced
celebrants who not only make a big song and dance
about being young, who are collectively,
individually, and blatantly ageist in
self-promotion. "Blue rinse brigade", "Not
your mother's friend", even "smelling of
moth-balls" are phrases I've seen time and again.
Not the attitude you want lurking behind the
celebrant's smile on your wedding day.And Don't
forget that
out
-
The legal requirements are the same for every couple getting married in Australia, regardless of your age or whether you have been married before
-
Other than the statement the Marriage Act requires your celebrant to make and the legal vows that you must each say, everything else is optional
-
Except for the fact that you must have two adult witnesses. You can't be legally married without two adults present to act as your legal witnesses. If you want to elope in secret, and have a Just We Two experience, your witnesses can be strangers
-
You can be married anywhere you choose, any day of the week, and any time of the day. And that includes your own home.
- You can do as much of the talking as you are
comfortable with. Legally, your celebrant only
has to say ONE thing!
-
There is no requirement that you stand. If you prefer to sit, of course you can. For a formal wedding you might like to have a lovely sofa or two imposing chairs. Or you can take the whole thing down a notch or two on your back deck. I've married many couples sitting round a table, some over a meal, some over a cup of coffee.
Thanks for reading!
