When (soppily) romantic
isn't your thing
Many
of my couples tell me that they are down-to-earth
people who don't do soppy. And that they initially
decided to have a Registry Office Ceremony because
they were under the impression that celebrant-led
marriage ceremony, by definition, had to be
"romantic" and the Registry Office ceremony it
was the least "romantic" ceremony they could think
of. I don't know where the idea that a personal ceremony officiated by a marriage celebrant by definition has to be "romantic" came from. Perhaps because there is an assumption that the ceremony will always include mushy readings that wouldn't be out of place on a Valentine's Day Card. Whatever. Be that as it may, it is just not true.
So if, like many couples, you don't do soppy, don't feel comfortable with lovey-dovey poetry or extravagant vows, I get you. And most of all, I get that a ceremony doesn't have to be dripping with sentimentality to be meaningful, and special, and a real reflection of the commitment the two of you have to one another and to your marriage.
Can you be romantic
without being "romantic"?
out
Yes. Yes. Yes. If Gary Chapman's best-selling
book The Five Love Languages demonstrated
anything, it demonstrated that not everyone
expresses their love in words - which is what
"romantic" in a wedding ceremony is usually taken to
mean. Chapman categorised five ways of expressing love, all of which can be reflected in your wedding
- receiving gifts (wedding
rings in the ceremony for example, but we can
mention things that you have gifted one
another with, and what those gifts mean to
you)
- quality time (time
spent preparing for your wedding together, for
example, and definitely, the half hour or so
of the ceremony can, and should be, quality
time spent together)
- words of affirmation
(these do not have to be "romantic", they can
be statements of what you value about one
another)
- acts of service
(things you do to care for and help one
another - we certainly can mention these)
- physical touch
(holding hands, hugging, even kissing if you
wish, are all part of a wedding.
Does your celebrant have
to use sentimental and "romantic" words?
out
Absolutely not! Actually, many of the
so-called romantic things said in wedding ceremonies
are
tired
and overused clichés Do our vows have to be
"romantic"
out
Absolutely not! In fact, I swear, if I see one
more YouTube video or read one more ceremony on the
net where the couple makes vows that include "My heart will be your
shelter and my arms will be your
home", I'll throw up.To legally marry in Australia, each of you has to make a very simple statement.
I ask
everyone here (or I call upon the persons here
present) to witness that I, [Name]
take you, [Name], to be
my lawful wedded husband (or) wife (or) spouse
(or)partner-in-marriage.
And that's sufficient to marry
you. Of course, you can add personal
promises to those, but they do not have
to be soppy, and they do not have to
include statements about why you want to marry
this person, how this person makes you feel, or
a whole raft of promises couched in soppily
"romantic" terms. And they definitely do not
have to include quotes from poetry. Honest vows
made using simple words will melt the hearts of
your guests and bring tears to your eyes better
than any second-hand sentimental phrases that
everyone has heard a gazillion times.
One of my couples couched their personal promises as Key Performance Indicators, which they recited in unison, starting "We commit to the following KPI's". It was so them. Everyone got it. And it was magic, without being in the least bit soppy.
Another of my couples - a really quirky pair with a shared and wicked sense of humour - wrote vows as their 8 year old selves. Again they were powerful, honest, real, and a lot of fun.
What about "romantic"
readings?
And lastly, what about
"romantic" music?
One of my couples couched their personal promises as Key Performance Indicators, which they recited in unison, starting "We commit to the following KPI's". It was so them. Everyone got it. And it was magic, without being in the least bit soppy.
Another of my couples - a really quirky pair with a shared and wicked sense of humour - wrote vows as their 8 year old selves. Again they were powerful, honest, real, and a lot of fun.
What about "romantic"
readings?
out
There is no rule about having readings, or about
what type of readings you choose if you decide
to include them. The idea of three readings
comes directly from the Church of England
marriage ceremony. Once you take the wedding out
of the church, you can take the church out of
the wedding and have no readings, or one or two.
And,if you do decide to include a reading, it
does not have to be "romantic" or a poem. I
explore this in 7
Things to Read at your Wedding instead of a
Poem. And lastly, what about
"romantic" music?
out
Choose what makes your toes tap, your lips curve
upwards, or your hips move to the beat. It's
your wedding. So the sound track should reflect
your personalities and the feel of your
ceremony.